One of the biggest challenges for me after having my children was returning to an intimate relationship with my husband. Yes, I'm talking about sex, the P in V kind, but also sensual touch, hugging, kissing and non-penetrative sex. What I learnt through exploring this space, is we were actually missing the emotional intimacy required to allow me to feel the desire for physical intimacy.
My husband was very keen to return to sex after the birth of our kids. He was patient but keen. He would make suggestive comments or give me the 'look' (you know the one), slap me on the butt in the kitchen, try and snuggle with me at night on the couch or in bed. All of which I would recoil from. Avoid. Dismiss. I was afraid that if I humoured him in these moments he would feel encouraged that I wanted sex. Which I didn't. So I continued to reject his advances until he just stopped trying.
I'm not going to lie, I felt relieved. For a while at least. But then I started to feel sad. Lonely. Like we were just two people with a shared purpose occupying the same space. Not like friends. Friends have banter, laugh and make time for each other. We didn't even have that. We had the kids. And each of us was slowly becoming more and more resentful towards the other for distancing ourselves. We were arguing more. Finding reasons to leave the house alone. Separating ourselves more and more. Family time was something we did for the kids and usually had a sprinkling of guilt-tripping or martyrdom throughout.
Sure there are so many reasons we can say the intimacy died. And I did say them. But the biggest one was I was 'touched out'. The kids were demanding so much of me throughout the day that idea of having to meet someone else's needs when I finally had time to myself was the absolute last thing I wanted for myself. I couldn't bare the idea that my partner, my equal in this parenting thing, was asking more of me than I had already given. I was spent.
It was during this chapter that I discovered that humans form primary bonds with other humans through oxytocin. They are our go to people for moments of physical intimacy (including non-sexual) as they provide us with our oxytocin boosts throughout the day. Oxytocin is the love hormone. The one that is produced in the bucket load during birth and breast-feeding to ensure that mothers fall in love with their babies. Once a child is born, they understand their mother to be the safe loving care giver that she is through the release of oxytocin when they are together physically. As we grow, we separate from our mothers and form these bonds with others, the strongest usually being our chosen partners. Knowing this helped me to understand that while my oxytocin release was happening primarily with my children, my husband was still biologically driven to find it with me. And the most potent way that had previously occurred was during physical intimacy.
For a while I looked at this from the point of view that it was too much. There was three of them and one of me. It wasn't fair. I couldn't possible meet all of their needs and have the space I desperately needed for myself as well. It took me a while, but I started to realise that this was actually something I could use to my benefit, if I could have the intimacy, but with boundaries and space created for myself in the day, I could actually be banking huge amounts of oxytocin, spending large portions of my day deeply connected and loved by those around me.
This couldn't have happened without being in partnership with my husband. I spent so much time in silence, not communicating my needs because part of me truly thought that he should just be able to see all the things that I do and know what I need. I was resentful that he was able to come and go (seemingly as he pleased but in reality it was to work, the shops, to get a haircut, whatever, it seemed so easy for him) and I was stuck at home with the kids, unable to care for myself the way that he found it so easy to do. So I froze him out, making it nearly impossible to reach me. Once I built up the courage (yes it required deep courage and self-compassion) to talk to my husband about what was really going on, everything shifted.
I told him that I didn't want to have sex and that every time he was playful or suggestive with me, I was worried that if I didn't shut him down that he would assume that I wanted sex. He explained that wasn't his expectation and that every time I shut him down, he felt rejected and hurt. When we were able to set clear boundaries and communicate directly we were able to meet each other half way.
So here's how we moved back towards intimacy:
We both decided that we wanted it back. This was so important at the beginning, knowing that we still loved each other and wanted to feel emotionally and physically close again.
We went slow. Real slow. We started with gentle touch, hugging and some kissing with the clear understanding that there was no expectation of anything else to come. It was connection for connection's sake. We only moved on to traditional 'sex' when we were ready.
We checked in with each other all the time (even mid sex). We made sure that what was happening felt good for both of us and was what we wanted. This was important for me as I was getting reacquainted with my body after birth.
We tried different things. Cuddling on the couch is impossible with two small children around so it became holding hands at the dinner table, or stealing a kiss in the kitchen. Sometimes it made it more fun to try a sneak sexy moments in the day without the kids noticing.
Being honest but kind. All of our communication had to be 100% honest to remove the resentment. If either of us held back, it would come out later. But it required huge amounts of vulnerability and we held each other in kindness to be able to explore safely.
Create space to be alone. I know this one can seem really hard at times. But it's worth scheduling time where you can be by yourself. If your partner has no time to take the kids out somewhere on the weekend so you can have that time, maybe there is space to ask a friend or family member to support you once a week for an hour. I know not everyone will have the ability to utilise daycare, but when my husband was working crazy hours, I put my son in care one day a week while my daughter was at school so I could reconnect to myself. I know it's tempting to use this time to clean or do some other act of service for the family, but it's really important you do something nourishing for yourself as well.
Get support. We each had a therapist who we were working with to help us find safe ways to communicate with each other.
It can feel really scary to know that you and your partner are losing touch, but there is a way back. Opening up the lines of communication allowed us to restore the emotional intimacy that had been lost. Once we got that back, the rest just flowed. If you would like some support in reconnecting with your partner after birth. Check out my availability here. Sessions can be done in person or online.
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